Last night I went on a date. Last night I realized just how rusty i was! Its been a good ten-ish months since I’ve been on a legit date with a girl that I didn’t previously know, and wasn’t just in it for the extra ciricular activities if you know what i mean (don’t judge, we’ve all been there)! But oh my goodness my moves were rusty! Not to sound like I was Rico Suave to begin with…but I feel like I got a couple good moves here and there.
We met (if you can call it meeting) on an online dating app, like so many do nowadays. And honestly that doesn’t bother me at all anymore, meeting online. I really don’t get out much. My schedule consists almost exclusively of the following: Go to work, go to the gym, go home and occasionally a pit stop at the local buffalo wild wings for a beer and to catch a game. Now I don’t do any flirting at work for the sake of being professional, and all the girls who work there are married and/or pregnant. I don’t do any flirting at the gym for the sake of staying focused and accomplishing the things I’m there for…and also i have to imagine for girls, that has to annoying to be hit on at the gym (although their outfits suggest otherwise). And as far as the BWW goes, all the girls that I know there are pretty cool, but nearly all of them are gay. So the popular dating sites it is for me.
Ill leave real names out for obvious reasons, so her codename shall be Duchess. Me and Duchess met on the app that restricts the guy from contacting any girls that he matches with until SHE sends the first message, which is kind of a nice change. She is a 25 year old who teaches 5th grade science. Thats a plus right away because it at least implies some credibility. As most of you who’ve used these sites know, there are some really strange people on there..like “hey I’m married but my husband just wants to watch us get it on” type of people! Luckily for me, after texting Duchess for about a week and a half I was confident she was fairly normal, PLUS mentioned that she loved Game of Thrones!!! I couldn’t let my dwindling budget nor my paranoia of crazies slow the process any longer. I promptly questioned her to make sure she really knew her shit when it comes to the GOT, which she did! “Duchess may be the one” I thought, and immediately asked to meet up for a beer! Luckily she wasn’t to high class and was good with meeting at a bar and grill for some burgers and drinks.
All in all it went pretty well and she was fun to talk to and really cute. Yes I pointed out cute because you girls are super deceptive with your selfies these days. I mean sometimes its like I bought a ticket to see Avatar in IMax, but i walk in to see the 1968 version of Planet of the Apes. Conversation went well, never got stale and we had a considerable amount of things in common. Obviously the big one in GOT, but also she likes shooting guns, reading nerdy books, same taste in movies and pretty similar in music too. She isn’t too big into sports, which is kind of a bummer, however she wasn’t offended that i watched St.Louis Cardinals game as we talked. So as i wound down and my old ass was getting tired, we both agreed we had fun and decided to call it a night.
Now when we left is when my rust decided to rear its ugly head. We walked out the front door, where she parked almost directly in front. Just outside the doors, and right in front of where she was parked, was a group of people standing by the outside tables, still mingling and a bit tipsy from the sound of it. Me and Duchess are standing almost exactly 4 feet from her car, and 4 feet from the tipsy group. I put my hand on her back, and as she turned to face me… *GLASS SHATTERS*. Sounded just like the beginning of Stone Cold Steve Austin’s entrance music back in the glory days of WWF. Unfortunately it wasn’t Stone Cold making an entrance to my date to get an ass whooping, sending me off as a hero for the nigh, it was tipsy group who dropped a beer pitcher. So in the moment which i was already a little nervous, then suddenly distracted, I just awkwardly smiled and mumbled “Text me when you get home”.
(exit stage left, head hanging in defeat)
Yeah, i just said “text me when you get home”. That was my dumb ass line when she was clearly looking for a kiss. But in my confusion I had already committed to not kissing, i couldn’t recommit to the kiss again. Thats too much indecisiveness for the first date. She was clearly as surprised by my choice as I was.
But luckily, even though I totally bombed the ending, she text me when she got home and we talked some more today so i think I’m still good to go for a second date. And in case you’re wondering, I’ve already made up my mind, next time i immediately turn and Stone Cold Stunner the shit out the nearest person, turn back to Duchess, and kiss her dramatically as Whitney Houston’s “Ill always love you” plays in the background. Fuck yeah! Or something similar at least. Wish me luck!
So that was Date night number 1 ladies and gentlemen. If anyone is still reading, feel free to drop a comment, leave some suggestions for date 2, or just flat out roast me. I don’t care. Im a good sport!